Oh my. There is so much going on here. You are trying to do the right things when faced with folks who don’t seem to worry about what the right thing is. Your ex seems ok to let his wife fight his battles and you shouldn’t have to deal with her AT ALL other than to be pleasant and gracious if that can even work itself into your relationship. Seems clear she has a big chip on her shoulder or is in general on some sort of power trip or maybe both. Maybe he talks to her in the same ugly way he used to talk to you behind closed doors and she is jealous of the fact that you aren’t having to listen to him like she is.

I’ve had friends in similar situations. One of them had the exact same issues with clothes and toys and money sent over to her ex’s to provide for her kids being used for other kids in the family. The last thing you want to do is to teach your daughter to be selfish or mean. My friend saved old shoes and older clothes that her kids enjoyed wearing but were not expensive or precious to send with her kids when they went to stay with the ex. When her kids complained that they wanted to bring this or that she was able to truthfully point out that sometimes they didn’t get their things back and let them decide. It only took a few times of losing special items before they were amenable to only taking what they wouldn’t mind not getting back.

Your ex has lots of kids. He has no legal right to yours. I would be as respectful as you can Shannon but you know where to draw the line. Anything that puts her at risk. Anything that isn’t wholesome. Sleepover’s with a boy you don’t know?

I once watched from my kitchen window as a neighbor boy, a year older than my daughter who was three, come around a corner with my daughter’s underpants in his hands and saw him helping her back into them. His parents were our landlords during a brief time when we were renting a house from them. I took the kid home and told his mother not to send him over to play again and told her what I had seen. My daughter didn’t have enough words to tell me exactly what was going on but it didn’t matter. What I saw was concerning. Maybe it was innocent but I sure wasn’t going to give him another chance to do whatever if it wasn’t. I watched his mother beat him with a belt in the front yard between our two houses. (I’m sure she was making sure I could see her punishing him) but I called DPS and reported her for that and then when our lease was up a month later, we moved. It was a really uncomfortable month. But the neighbor kid’s mom wasn’t a family member.

I can’t imagine how difficult this must be for you.

I find it very strange that he can’t understand that your daughter prefers you to him. (I want to call bullshit on that…sounds like gas lighting and manipulation to me.) In fact it sounds more like when she goes to visit she is enjoying being part of a group of playmates and it is less about quality time with her other parent. I get why she enjoys it (what little girl wouldn’t enjoy having other kids to play with?) but shouldn’t he be taking her to do some special things just with her to increase their bond especially if it bother’s him that they don’t have a better bond?

If he moves across the country that is on him. You have time to think about that and Sophie has time to mature and you can decide about all of that when the time comes. Meanwhile, consider his parental behavior.

You will find a way to adjust what you communicate with your ex and how you communicate. It is a fluid relationship as your S grows older. She will get better and better at being able to tell you what is going on and even though you might have to interpret YOU KNOW HER BEST. Look at what you have invested in her, after all. It’s not money. It’s your heart and soul. Look at what your ex has invested. He is not as invested.

I’m a gracious sort of person unless it comes to my kid. Then I have fangs. FANGS. She’s a grown up & I still feel this way even though I don’t interfere in her life. I really don’t.

You have good, strong sensibilities and good, strong instincts. As her mother you have only one person in whom to put your trust. Yourself.