My father died when I was just 19. He was strict but fair and a good man who always took the time to explain where he was coming from. When I bested him in an argument he didn’t always have the grace to admit it, instead I got the “because I am your father” statement and if I looked deeply into his eyes there was a certain rueful look that he couldn’t apologize and let me do what I wanted.

My mother was the parent with whom I had deeper issues. All pretty minor in the scope of things. She wasn’t always fair or nice. She sometimes hurt my feelings and knew it. That is the worst of it.

Because of the strength of my position as a grown-up, because I had such a reasonable Dad, there were times in my adult life where I drew a line for my mother and told her I wasn’t cool with her stepping over it. It didn’t make me feel great but I saw it as a necessary thing for my survival. Example- she would come to visit and stay for around a week. I would be over the visit after four days. After my first husband died and I felt exposed and vulnerable in general, I asked her to shorten her visit. She was very insulted. I honestly didn’t care because for her to have stayed a full week at that point would have set me back, infringed upon my healing and I had to put myself first. I knew exactly what I was doing and it was, at that small point in my life, all about me.

Even though I had THAT, when she died it was still ultimately freeing for me. I loved her deeply but she wasn’t the easiest person for me to love. I guess you could say I could see her flaws and love her anyway.

Sometimes parents aren’t lovable. They are sometimes so horrible that a child’s ability to love them is impacted. I think you can give yourself a hug…and once they are gone the sense of relief should not make you feel guilty.