Jacqueline,

I also do not have a higher power but do have a complex and satisfying relationship with my late husband. Writing that still feels strange to me, maybe insane (!) but I'm not crazy.

He showed me signs that he was still available in the early months after his death but I didn't know what to do with that.

It's been twenty years now. I still grieve. Now though, I have the padding of knowing I am not truly without him. Getting used to this new way of experiencing him has been hard and I can't say it is anything close to sitting next to him and feeling his body next to mine.

And I wish I could explain the mechanisms involved but I don't understand them any better today than I did twenty years ago. I have a feeling that John is particularly talented at using the connection and I believe our strong bond has provided an easier path than most folks might experience.

I used to write about grief. before Medium was a thing I wrote on an online bulletin board for young widows. It closed about ten years ago.

Now I write about signs and the otherworldly connection I have with John, not trying to explain it, more to describe it.

Nobody has been more surprised that I can still have a connection with him than me. Most religious people I know don't have this experience. I think religion might just stand in its way.

My goal for my life, when faced with what I thought was insurmountable grief, was to fight to regain myself--because I sure as hell was lost for a very long time.

I'd be glad to share a list of my writings about my spiritual connection with my late husband. I've written quite a lot here on Medium and finding the titles that strictly pertain to this subject might be next to impossilbe without a huge time investment.

I wish you well. I read your work and feel nothing but kinship although I have no idea whatsoever what it would be like to lose a child.

Best to you...